Water in the Eyes and Other Household Horrors


At times, being a mother is a pretty thankless gig.  You work 24/7 for these high-maintenance little bosses who rarely say thank you, even when you clean up their vomit after a jelly bean binge or wipe their pee off the floor for the umpteenth time.  It’s hard to get through some days without knocking your head on the table in surrender.  I often feel one of two ways:  like a terribly incompetent mother, or like no human on earth could possibly meet the demands of these kids!

Of course, it is most likely that our house is just a terrible place to be, and that I run it like a tyrant.  To illustrate my point, I’ve compiled a list of the five WORST things that happen at my house…according to my kids.

5.  Bed time, and all things bed-related.  This includes putting on those terrible, soft and comfortable jammies.  That I make them wear EVERY NIGHT!  The horror!  And of course, our kids’ beds are made of lava, which adds an extra level of torture.   Once they’re in bed…I make them stay there!  Totally out of the question.

4. Bathing.  Or, at least, the part that counts.  They like the playing in the water and splashing around part.  It’s the washing of hair that is a nightmare for my kids.  While they can handle getting buckets of water in their eyes at the pool or in the sprinkler, the few dribbles that get in there when I’m washing their hair might as well be liquid hot pepper.  The screams N emits during this sadistic routine are blood-curdling.  So much so that he usually doesn’t even notice when I’ve stopped pouring water on his head.

3.  The carseats.  No explanation required here.  Baby K’s carseat in particular is an instrument of strangulation and horrific restraint.

2.  Time out.  (Or any other type of discipline deemed completely unnecessary.  Which is any type that means no more playing).  Baby K hasn’t gotten to experience this particular tyranny yet, but N gets plenty of opportunities to let me know at the top of his lungs just how COMPLETELY UNFAIR time-out is.  It doesn’t matter how many warnings were given first, time out is always a total surprise and a giant tantrum.

1.  The post-food wipe up.   This one makes it to the number one spot on the worst things at our house list partly because I understand it the least.  Which makes it the most predictable, since little children are basically insane.  I don’t think it’s just my boys.  It is ridiculous to expect that you would have to have your face and hands wiped off when they’re only covered in food/juice/sticky who-knows-what!  It’s something moms think up just to end every snack and meal in a fight.

Now, clearly these things are unreasonable.  I mean, who would want to just submit and live in a house with rules like “you need to wear jammies to bed” and “you can’t smear chocolate pudding on the couch, so you have to wipe your hands”?  I certainly wouldn’t.  No cozy flannel footies for me.

What ridiculous things like jammies and shampoo do you force upon your unsuspecting children?

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