In the little over a year that I’ve been keeping this blog – sometimes actively; sometimes poorly – so many, many things have changed in my life. My children have grown from infant and preschooler to toddler and big kid. And I have struggled with growing up with them. The constant pull and weight of wanting them to grow while wanting them always to be little – holding on to the fleeting stages with everything I have while knowing that in the next moment a new stage will begin with the same amazing grace of the last.
And in this last year, I’ve really found my niche in writing as a mother. I started like the fish love the sea as a blog about writing, baking, mothering, and crafting. I’m afraid those of you interested in baking, writing, and crafting have been terribly disappointed because, just as the rest of my life has gone, the blog has followed my mothering almost exclusively. Which is okay with me. I am fulfilled at most times in my writing by my blogging here, over at get born magazine, and for the Greeley Tribune’s Greeley Moms section. I’m certainly baking and crafting and even writing as much as I can; I have just focused my energy here on processing the mothering side of things.
As the year ends and 2013 begins despite the doomsday-ers’ best predictions, I’ve done my requisite reflecting on the last twelve months. This time last year, I was finally coming up for air following the postpartum depression that changed the way I think about motherhood. I was groping for ways to really understand Baby K’s little personality, and still navigating the strange new dynamics of my two-child household. Since then, I have done a lot of healing and forgiving – mostly of myself for the little things each day as I acknowledge that I truly am doing the best I can as N’s and K’s mother.
This new year will find me still seeking the right – or right-for-right-now – path for my family, and I suppose that will be my journey with each new year that comes. Helping N grow his beautiful, exuberant interest in life; helping Baby K succeed in telling us about the quiet little soul behind the mouth that works so hard to speak. Loving every moment with the perspective that it is all so vulnerable, so fleeting, and so perfect for the people that we are and the family we are meant to be. Because the last two weeks – in particular the shooting in Connecticut – has deeply reminded me of our human vulnerabilities, and hopefully given me a lasting renewal of my dedication to appreciate the now.
So with that, I wish you all a wonderful new year filled with love and peace and light. And I THANK YOU for reading, following, sharing like the fish love the sea. Cheers to 2013, and Cheers to You!
First, I apologize for my absence! I’ve got a lot of things I’m working at sorting through, one of which is the direction I’d like to take the blog in now that it’s been a year. My little life here with N and not-so-baby-anymore-K has changed a lot this last couple of months – focuses shifted, directions changed – and I’m hoping to reflect all of that in a new feel for the blog. So bear with me!
In the meantime, here is my post this month for Get Born. It’s a rambling gush of feelings on the lost babes in Newtown, and I hope you’ll take a minute to cry with me. Love to you all, and thank you for sticking around 🙂
Twenty Spaces Held
Blogged by Kayenta
on December 22, 2012
I have not really written anything substantial about the shooting last week, and this is likely to be a rambling gush of feelings after a week of tears shed, of thoughts held with near constancy for the lost babies’ mothers. What they must see in what should be a season of light and love. The void they must face as they look past an empty Christmas and see an endlessly empty lifetime… read more
I’ve been struggling with some new information about my baby this week. My post is over at Get Born today.
A New Path
Blogged by Kayenta
on October 22, 2012
Life is at its most unfair when something is wrong with your child. After months of my mama intuition telling me my one-year-old was struggling with speech, and after he started losing words he once had, I took him for a developmental evaluation. The diagnosis was suspected verbal apraxia …. read more
It was my turn to post over at Get Born Magazine today. I wrote about self-shaming, and the unrealistic place it comes from. What do you shame yourself about? Where does that less-than come from, and who are you competing with?
Tools of Erosion
Blogged by Kayenta on September 23, 2012
I recently read a wonderful piece of writing in which the author said shame is a tool of the less-thans. To that perspective I would like to add….read more here
Over at Get Born, a post about balancing Mama with Me:
I was driving my 12-yr-old sister to a summer day camp last week, and I asked her what kind of music she likes. Her response was a thoughtful: “Well, I haven’t really discovered that yet, but I’m trying all kinds.” How great, I thought. To be twelve and know you have the absolute freedom and confidence to discover just who you are. Wouldn’t most of us like to be in that place? Trying things out until we discover, yep, this is me! … read more
I am awed and waxing poetic about the fire here in Colorado. See the poem over at GetBorn magazine!
Her bruise is haunting.
It spreads up in greens, yellows and grays
from the point of impact, then in wispy… read more
Blogging today over at get born magazine about being the New Mom at preschool!
Don’t Mind Me
Blogged by Kayenta
on February 22, 2012
While I could write all day about my anxiety that one of the other children at my son’s preschool will be unkind to him, this post is not about kid-on-kid hostility. This post is about moms. Popular preschool moms, to be specific… read more